Motherhood is indeed a legitimate business. It has all of the makings of a real job – expectations, periodic reviews of performance (self-inflicted and from friends and family), success and failure, management and supervision, and on and on. Like a businessperson, mothers are expected to be dedicated, high achievers day and night. I’ve often dreamed of an obstacle course that would educate people on the physical rigors of parenthood.
Here’s how it goes…
First, prepare your body with a lack of sleep or proper nutrition. Don’t resist fast food or eating in your car. In fact, dump a bag of trash in your car. Set your alarm clock for different times in the middle of the night for a week, and play a recording of a crying baby or a child’s poignant description of a nightmare while you cradle and rock a doll to pacify it. Then, hug a heavy pile of wet, urine-soaked laundry so you can pretend you’re carrying your child who just wet the bed. The day of the race is here. Put a toddler on one hip, a baby on the other. Strap a 20-pound diaper bag to your back, and run! Run fast! Pretend you’re dodging cars in a parking lot. Then, go to your kitchen and prepare dinner. Make sure the phone rings at least four times; the doorbell rings twice; and two irate toddlers are running through your legs while they fight for a toy.
Motherhood is tough. It’s misunderstood and under-appreciated. Once you accept that it is indeed a business, you will not only see it increase in value and legitimacy, but you will be ready to make it the most successful operation you have ever managed in your life!
It’s amazing that you need a license to drive a car or to operate heavy machinery. You need a degree to teach in public schools. You need advanced training to be a doctor or lawyer. But to raise a child, to be responsible for another human being, you simply need one “oops.” People joke that they send you home from the hospital with a newborn without an owner’s manual or instruction booklet. Well, finally, here it is!
– Amy Smith
Click here: YouTube – William Tell Overture
This was on You Tube and is hysterical and just about sums up “The Business of Motherhood!”
[…] Sings About all of the Momsense in our Daily Lives! Lauren Salzberg Says: October 7th, 2007 at 7:44 pm eClick here: YouTube – William Tell […]
Love this site–thought this was appropriate!
PARENT – Job Description
This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way,
I don’t believe any of us would have done it!!!!
POSITION : Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop
JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an,
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication
and organizational skills and be willing to work
variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends
and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to
primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities .
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily,
until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a
pack mule
and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat
in case, this time, the screams from
the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technic al challenges,
such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets
and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and
coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings
for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute,
an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a
half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for
the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and
janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and update ing your skills,
so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because
of the assumption that university will help them
become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that
you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension,
no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered;
this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth
and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis,
letting them know they are appreciated
for the fabulous job they do…
or forward with love
to anyone thinking of applying for the job.